Fun with StatsTracker: The Most Incongruous Google Searches that Landed Web Citizens at Vox Pop in 2010

This will be my last “end of the year” post, I promise. I’m as burnt out on them as you are. Instead of talking bests, or mosts, or worsts, I thought we’d have some fun by going through the google searches that landed people at Vox Pop over the last twelve months. Most search queries are accompanied by a brief retort, sometimes answering the question asked in the search, sometimes just making fun of the searcher. Okay? As unbelievable as some of these might be, I solemnly swear that I didn’t make any of these up. Even the ones about public intercourse.

zach wells, cage fighter
I like to imagine this search being done in optimism, by a recently dissed poet, in the hopes of a Celebrity Boxing-esque showdown wherein they could acquire their revenge.

the world is more than we can comprehend
I’m with you, buddy. I don’t know how we found each other, but I’m with you

kevin connolly’s glasses brand
I’ll ask him for you, the next time I see him.

brand inventory
There’s a lot like this. All those business students are going to be pissed when they find out my blog post was about this and not this.

my friend was dishonourable to me
That’s unfortunate. You should seek vengeance.
It’s nice to know that even now, at the end of 2010, there are still grandmothers out there who get the search bar and the url bar confused on their copies of Internet Explorer 5.
See above.

behind the bohemian
See above. Also, web addresses don’t have spaces.

“laisha rosnau” + “lousy explorers”
I have no idea what I did to acquire this.

beardy poet from olympics
I’m okay with this moniker. However, if you came for a legal name, it’s Shane something.

different snakes in canada
Some of them write poetry

canadian assholes
See above.

Best Spenser Novel
Ceremony, or Early Autumn. Or, though you’ll need to know the characters pretty well by then to appreciate it, Small Vices.

tired blood john turturro
Geritol cures it. And I should be ashamed of myself?

“mistaken for irony”
I wonder if those quotation marks were meant ironically?

poetry on self pleasuring
There once was a man from Berkoff…

lumberjack porn
It’s not the size of the hatchet, it’s the angle of the axe. Again, no sense of how many google results pages someone has to eagerly scroll through to get to this blog.

“andrew alexis” “jon metcalf” “the walrus”
You know a literary feud has gone mainstream when you get searches in which none of the names of the belligerents are spelled correctly. This came from an IP address suspiciously similar to the one that sends me emails from the Globe and Mail, fyi.

everyone is entitled to their own opinion. it’s just that yours is stupid.
Fine, well, fuck you too.

Mine is manly, thick, and invisible.

inexpressible media
Whoa, what would that look like?

picture that insults assholes
I recommend this one.

campo di fiori czeslaw milosz englisz translation#
I recommend this one.

meanwhile in canada
The beginning of the final, smallest, paragraph in every chapter of every book on North American poetry.

“johanna skibsrud” human being
It’s true, she is.

aughts definition
It’s 2000 to 2009. It’s NOT 2001 to 2010. Don’t let people tell you different.

parker, robert b., 1932-2010.
The saddest day of this young gumshoe’s year, perhaps.

bomb threat checklist karen solie
That should really be online somewhere, but I can’t find it. Can anyone else?

snakes of eastern canada
What is it with all these fucking snakes? When did I ever write about snakes?

fucking in the street
I’m down. Call me.

candace fertile fun run
Is this some sort of annual memorial jog organized after Linda Rogers had her executed last month?

Explore posts in the same categories: 2010, Book Industry, Canadian Literature, Hilarity, Internet is Weird, Poems in the Wider World

2 Comments on “Fun with StatsTracker: The Most Incongruous Google Searches that Landed Web Citizens at Vox Pop in 2010”

  1. Alex Boyd Says:

    Jake, you’re hilarious. And mildly obsessed. Happy new year, eh?

  2. I’m flattered you put me first, even if it’s just because you’d pay money to see the shit kicked out of me. I recently had “How many illegitimate children does poet Zach Wells have?” and “Does poet Zach Wells have one testicle?” Suspiciously, these came shortly after “Is poet James Langer gay?” But mostly I get get people looking to plagiarise essays on Wallace Stevens.

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